


The Saltiest Trio Get the Marauders Map (In which all of the fourth years are good "friends")

by SpeedyinLesMis



Series: My Quest to Convert Everyone to Futakuchi x Terushima [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Akaashi Keiji Is So Done, Akaashi Terushima Ennoshita Kenma and Shirabu are Ravenclaws, Alternate Universe - Hogwarts, Aone has a turtle, Bobata and Futamata are Hufflepuffs, Crack, Futakuchi Kenji is a Little Shit, Futakuchi and Terushima are a domestic couple in this because I wanted them to be one, Futakuchi is a Slytherin, I Will Go Down With This Ship, I apologize for writing this, I'm in rare pair hell, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Oh god they find so much tea, Rare Pair, So is Yahaba Kyoutani and Taichi, The Saltiest characters in the story get the Marauders Map, Yahaba chokes on his tea, Yahaba switched from Hufflepuff to Slytherin, like someone is probably going to die, minor cussing, no beta we die like daichi, not anything serious though, people kind of just accepted it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-20
Updated: 2020-10-01
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:15:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26566414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpeedyinLesMis/pseuds/SpeedyinLesMis
Summary: Futakuchi, Yahaba, and Shirabu sometimes hang out to make fun of each other and other students. One day they find the Marauders Map. People die. (Not literally though)
Relationships: Futakuchi Kenji/Terushima Yuuji, Kyoutani Kentarou/Yahaba Shigeru, Semi Eita/Shirabu Kenjirou
Series: My Quest to Convert Everyone to Futakuchi x Terushima [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1932166
Comments: 4
Kudos: 28





	1. Java Chip Slurping

**Author's Note:**

> I’m working on a long term fan fiction but I thought I’d post some crack on the side... so yeet. Also I usually refer to characters as their family names but for the main group I’ll refer to them with their given names since that’s what the call each other.
> 
> And mostly to confuse people work Kenji and Kenjirou as Kenji-Kun and Kenji-Chan.

“Kenji-kun, you could at least try to be more subtle around the teachers.” Kenji rolled his eyes at Kenjirou’s exasperated request and continued to slurp down his java chip Frappuccino that Yuuji had made for him. Apparently his boyfriend had been working at Starbucks over the summer break, so now he was secretly selling muggle drinks to people. Kenji was a half blood and had been to Starbucks a few times, but he didn’t like their drinks very much. This one was an exception.

“Honestly, Kenji-Chan, I really don’t see the problem,” Kenji called Kenjirou “Kenji” instead of Kenjirou. Definitely just to confuse people. He finished taking another long sip as Kenjirou glared at him. They were sitting with their legs crossed in one of the dorm rooms for fourth year Ravenclaws, Kenjirou on his own bed and Kenji on Chikara’s, who was off who knows where. “As long as I’m not ‘disrupting other students’ studies’, I should be able to portray public displays of affection as much as I want.” Kenjirou made a face at Kenji’s wording, his nose wrinkled and eyebrows a little furrowed. Not as cute as Yuuji’s frustrated/concerned/worried face, Kenji thought, but quite adorable in its own right. He could see how his friend had managed to capture the heart of Ravenclaw's fifth year, Semi Eita.

“But... Kenji-kun, some teachers aren’t, you know,” Kenjirou waved his hand around his face, “accepting, and making out with Yuuji-san in front of them is not exactly the best decision.” Kenji leaned back onto the backrest of the bed. 

“Aw, so Kenji-Chan does care about my well being,” (Kenjirou frowned)“but trust me, I will be absolutely fine.” 

“If you say so...” As he finished speaking, the door to the dorm room was flung open to reveal Shigeru, who over-dramatically strutted to their beds, Chikara trailing behind him looking more tired than any fourth year should.

“Oh. My. GOD. Do you guys~ know-what-I-just found~~~” he said in the most annoying Oikawa sounding sing song voice possible. Ever since becoming a Slytherin he’s been more like him.

“Ugh, what?” Kenjirou scowled. Chikara collapsed onto his bed, his head landing in Kenji’s lap. The latter patted his back understandingly.

“You won’t believe me till you see it~,” Shigeru sang, pretending to pick at his nails that his boyfriend had painted a, as Shigeru would say with the roll of his eyes, “light shade of red”-. They were pink. Kentarou just didn’t want to admit he had a bottle of pink nail polish. Scratch that, it was really because he had black nail polish and wanted Shigeru to have red so that they matched. Kentarou was surprisingly cute like that. 

Everybody stared at Shigeru, knowing eventually he'd break and speak. 

He stared back.

They still didn't ask anything.

“OKAY FINE!” Shigeru yelled theatrically.

“Shut- UUUP!” Chikara's muffled voice bellowed from where his face was stuffed into Kenji’s uniform on his lap. “SHIGERU I SWEAR to God- you have been screaming bloody murder and I already have a head ache and if you don’t fucking shut up the ‘bloody murder’ part will be a lot more literal-“ 

“Okay, okay fine, calm down man.” Shigeru whined, finally using his actual voice instead of the weird Oikawa singing. “Kenji-Chan, Kenji-kun, follow me so I can show you something!”

“Okay Shi-Shi, just let me finish this drink.” Futakuchi requested before taking a bored slurp of his java chip Frappuccino. He couldn't have known just how much fun the rest of the year would have with Shigeru's discovery.


	2. Oh no. ~Oh yes~

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shigeru shows them what he found. (also please remember hat Futakuchi Kenji is Kenji-Kun and Shirabu Kenjirou is Kenji-Chan)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This will probably be the only time I post multiple times today but Chapter 1 was really short anyway.

"So, what do you want to show us Shi-shi?" Kenji questioned, tossing his now empty cup into an collecting bin for the house elves. When he, Shigeru, and Kenjirou walked the halls together, no one got in their way. Kenji wouldn't call them bullies, per say, bullies targeted people and ruined their lives. A bullies' victim would probably turn out to be the main character who finally rises up against the bullies and becomes a movie star or something at the end of the book. No, the three of them didn't target anyone, because who you were _didn't matter,_ Kenji, Shigeru, and Kenjirou ripped into anyone they wanted to because that was simply who they were. Slytherin, Hufflepuff, and Ravenclaw. Well.. half Hufflepuff. Shigeru was a Hufflepuff his first year, but half way though his second year there was an incident with his now boyfriend Kentarou, and uh... he snapped. Suddenly he threw away his fake, "respectful underclassman" demeanor and completely let loose. At this point Shigeru became friends with Kenji and Kenjirou, and he was apparently acting very "un-hufflepuff" as the headmaster put it, whatever the fuck that meant, so they jokingly broke into the head masters office... and put the sorting hat on Shigeru's head. Of course at that moment the head master came in, only to hear the hat going off on some tantum on how Shigeru was _actually a Slytherin_ and how when he was first sorted he was in so much self denial about his personality that _of course_ he was sorted into the wrong house, how could he have not been sorted into the wrong house? It was basically a huge mess and they had detention the rest of the year. But switching houses was deemed, "too non-traditional" so Shigeru had to stay a Hufflepuff despite being a Slytherin. That was supposed to be the end of it but Shigeru being Shigeru _always_ gets his way, so after annoying the shit out of the headmaster and threatening to tell people that the sorting hat had sorted someone to the wrong house, he was transferred to Slytherin. He was still friends with his old housemates though, so he gets invited to their parties and half of them call him Shi-shi, which Kenji and Yuuji had also started doing, and thus was still partially a Hufflepuff. Shigeru was still respectful to his upperclassman, but anyone his age or younger was free real estate for him to buy and demolish.

" _Well,_ " Shigeru exhaled, embellishing his words with a dramatic hair flip and toss of the head. "Since you so kindly aske-"

"OI! What are you three talking about!" A familiar, care free voice called out. Kenji turned to the left and looked down the hallway that intersected with the one he and his two friends were walking in. Sure enough, a head of blond hair and bright eyes caught his gaze. "Kenji!" Yuuji practically squealed and leaped into Kenji's arms, because every fourth year in this school besides the Ravenclaw's "Trio of Tired Dead Inside Souls" (Chikara, Keiji, and Kenma), was fucking dramatic.

"Yui," Kenji whispered sofly, giving Yuuji a light and gentle kiss on the forehead. Yuuji giggled and pressed his forehead against Kenji's, still hoisted in the air with his legs wrapped around Kenji's waist. They ignored Kenjirou making a gagging sound behind them.

"Hey there Shi-shi, Jiroujirou," Kazuma greeted them, he and Takeharu walking up behind where Kenji and Yuuji were being all lovey dovey and shit.

"Call me that again and I'll kill you, Kazuma-san. :)", Kenjirou spoke with gritted teeth.

"Eek! So scary Kenji-chan," Kazuma threw his hands up and nudged Takeharu, "We better watch out, Takeharu. Jiroujirou- I mean, _Kenji-chan_ , is going to kill us." The two Hufflepuffs snickered.

"So where are you guys going off to? Looks like you were coming from Ravenclaw tower, that's where we're heading to. Kazuma and Takeharu were gonna sleep over. Wanna come?" Yuuji chirped, by now he had hopped off of Kenji and was standing. Kenji was hugging him from behind with his chin resting on Yuuji's shoulder, the latter's head leaning on his. It was disgustingly cute. Honestly, Kenjirou thought, fuck them.

"Mmhm, Chika-Chan is still over there. Shi-shi was gonna show us something." Kenji nuzzled into Yuuji's neck with the side of his face as he spoke, pressing soft kisses on his collar bone. He whispered something into Yuuji's ear, making him giggle with a blush.

"Oh my god please get a room." Kenjirou whispered. Like seriously, they were always showing off their relationship but usually it was accompanied with light bickering and some of Kenji's classic snark, but now they were just being all love sick and heart eyes and oh my god Kenjirou was going to fucking kill them. This was too soft and fluffy for him to handle. Thankfully Shigeru agreed with that sentiment and cleared his throat.

" _Ahem_ , as Kenji-kun was saying, we realllllllly need to go right now, so if you don't mind-" He yanked Kenji from Yuuji, the yankee'd groaning and making a face, "we're gonna take Kenji now and leave, have fun with whatever you were doing and try not to be annoying because Chika-Chan is in a mood and he'll kill you ! Kazu-can, Take-chan, toodles!" Before Yuuji could complain about his boyfriend being dragged away and for Shigeru not saying bye to him, he added "And fuck you for making Kenji-kun soft, Teru-Chan!" Shigeru turned, grabbed Kenjirou and Kenji without another word (well, Kenji managed to call out a quick "bye love!" before Shigeru smothered his mouth with his cloak), and dragged them down the hallway. Kenjirou was glad.

______________________________________

"Okay, wow, so now that you've dragged me away from my amazing, splendid, LOVING boyfriend who I'd MUCH RATHER spend time with than you salty assholes, what's soOOOOO amazing that we just had to see?" Kenji whined, dragging out his words. Kinda sounds like me, Shigeru thought.

"Well, as I was saying before we were interrupted by your dumb ass hoe of a boyfriend-" (Kenji punched Shigeru in the stomach, it wasn't a very hard hit but he had to stop walking to hold his stomach and catch his breath as Kenjirou laughed his ass off at him because insulting Yuuji in front of Kenji was a very stupid decision) "Ack-ugh-, before we were, urlg, _Jesus Christ my stomach still feels so weird how did you punch it like that..._ AHEM. AS I WAS SAYING BEFORE WE WERE INTERRUPTED BY TERU-CHAN, KAZU-CHAN, AND TAKE-CHAN, I FOUND A PARCHMENT IN-" He suddenly turned to a wall space. "THIS ROOM."

Kenji and Kenjirou stared at him.

"There's nothing there, you dumb ass cream puff." Kenjirou scowled bluntly. Shigeru rolled his eyes and jutted his hips to the side, and flipped his hair for added affect.

"WELL, maybe if you ALLOWED ME TO FINISH, KENJI-CHAN." He announced, tilting his chin up so he looked even taller than Kenjirou. They were only fourth years, so the equivalent of Junior High. As if now, Kenjirou was 5'6, Shigeru was 5'8, and Kenji was 5'11. (If they knew Kenji would be 6'4 by his twenties they would have cut his feet off while they still had their chance). 

Kenjirou and Kenji looked at Shigeru pointedly.

"First of all, fuck you guys I hate you you're all assholes, second, you have to walk by the room three times thinking of what you need! I think? I dunno, something like that."

"Why were you pacing back and forth three times? And what did you so desperately want?" Kenjirou deciding that what was important enough for him to point out. Shigeru spluttered.

"I- uh." ... "That's~not~import~aaaant, Kenji-Chan~~~~~~! The point is I'm pretty sure I found this cool map~!" Shigeru decided that getting flustered by what he had wanted wasn't worth it. So he walked past the wall three times, thinking _"I need a way to know no one is about to walk into the door when I'm 'hanging' with Kentarou'"_. Sure enough, a door appeared. "Ta-da~!" Shigeru exclaimed, proudly grinning at the other two of his trio. "Come in!"

The three of them stepped into the room. It was gorgeous, enamoring, ornament features carved into the walls and-

"Why are there condoms on the tables?" Kenjirou interrupted the narrator's train of thought. Shigeru choked and Kenji slapped him on the back. When he resurfaced his face was bright red.

"UM THAT'S NOT WHAT ASKED FOR I SWEAR JUST UM THIS STUPID ROOM THOUGHT THAT'S WHAT I MEANT BY 'HANGING' BUT I JUST MEANT UNINTERRUPTED CUDDLING UH I SWEAR. (*≧O≦*) ヽ(//>0<//)ノ NYHEE~~~!"

Kenjirou and Kenji looked at him. "Are you done?" Kenjirou asked..

"Uh yeah-"

"There's lube too," Kenji quipped.

_____________________________________________

After Shigeru's second heart attack, they managed to get to the point.

"So anyway, I think this is the Marauders Map," Shigeru finished. Kenjirou tilted his head to the side. 

"You might be right, Shi-Chan."

"Isn't there a special phrasing you have to say?" Kenji wondered, frowning at the blank piece of parchment paper. 

"That's correct," Kenjirou says with a nod. "I think it's something about swearing to be mischievous?"

"Let's just guess some phrases then! I doubt that there's a lock out for too many tries ᕦʕ . ☯ ᴥ ☯ . ʔᕤ !" Shigeru cheered. "Okay, the order will be me, then Kenji, then Kenjirou.! ʕ•̫͡•ིʔྀʕ•̫͡•ིʔྀʕ•̫͡•ིʔྀ". (your welcome)

"I promise I'm about to be a moron!"

"I make an oath to kill someone."

"I swear to annoy my teachers and upperclassman."

"Down with the patriarchy, I holler!"

"Fuck the rules and fuck the teachers."

"I hereby pledge myself against orderliness."

"KILL EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM!"

"Fuck the ~~church~~ headmaster, all my homies hate the ~~church~~ headmaster."

"Guys, it has to have the promise part in it. I swear I will not bow down to authority." 

"I oath myself to the fight against the school's tyranny."

"I pledge myself to the cause of the teacher's torment."

"I solemnly swear I am up to no good," Kenjirou spoke at last. An image appeared on the piece of paper.

"WHHAAAT?" Shigeru screeched as the writing appeared on the parchment. Kenjirou shrugged.

"There was a piece of paper on the floor that had the answer," He explained, holding out something from his pocket. "I just wanted to see if you guys could guess it."

So that's how the three saltiest, bitchiest assholes of the fourth years got their hands on the Marauder's Map. What will they do with it? I don't know! Well actually I do, but like... yeah. Anyways Kenji/Shigeru/Kenjirou friendship go burrrr.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So uh, I made a giant list of nicknames, should I put them in the notes? Also I was looking at Pottermore and I think my Yahaba backstory actually checks out, it says that the sorting hat is notorious for defending all of it's decisions and has made "remarkably few errors", but that makes it sound like it can happen.


	3. Wait, Those Two?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shirabu can't sleep. He decides to check out the new map.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay low-key though my writing style is so weird in this? Like I haven't posted any of my other stories so you guys wouldn't be able to tell but my writing in this is so weird and inconsistent lmao. Like what am I even doing? I think it 's because the first chapter was Futakuchi's point of view while in the second one it was switching around between the three of them. This one is just Shirabu's so hopefully it will be better. Actually I should make Shirabu have a ton of inner monologuing.

Kenjirou rolled onto his other side and looked at the clock on the nightstand. It was past midnight, Kenjirou had been lying in bed for almost two hours. He sighed and brought his blanket up to his face, faintly smelling Semi on the fabric. Another sigh. The dorm room was quiet save some creaks here and there and the soft rain; Hiroo and Konoha were fast asleep. Kenjirou sat up, deciding he may as well do something. As he grabbed one of Semi's sweaters to throw on over his pajamas, he remembered why he was in even in this situation in the first place.

_"Kenji-Chan, plleeeeassseeeee?" Yuuji was splayed over his bed on his back with his head hanging off the edge, hair messily pushed back and falling out of place._

_"No," Kenjirou told his house mate curtly. Yuuji_ _pouted and didn't say anything for a few seconds._

_"But... Kara-kun is hanging with Shi-Shi, Ken-kun, and Taichi, 'Kaashi is with Bokuto, Kenma is in Gryffindor with some friends... which mean it can finally just be me and Kenji." Yuuji explained again, this time sounding a little defeated. Kenjirou sighed, knowing he was probably going to lose this battle. He wasn't a simp like Kenji, but a sad, pouting Terushima Yuuji was very hard to win against. After all, the guy was supposed to be happy all of the time._

_"Why do you even need to be alone? Other people being around has never stopped you from being a love sick idiot before." Kenjirou was the kind of person showed most of his affection to Semi in private, but Yuuji and Kenji never seemed to need that._

_"Uuhg!" Terushima growled, throwing his hands behind his head, the momentum causing him to shift his weight and crash to the floor in a heap. He sat up and gave Kenjirou a look. "It's not the same Kenjirou, you know that. We haven't been alone together in forever, and... I miss it. I mean, you were complaining last week about how lovey-dovey we were being, but that's because we don't spend nearly as much time together as we used to.” (So he did realize he’s been acting out of character) “There's classes and stuff, and in free time I'm with Kazuma and Takeharu and he's with you and Shigeru, and sometimes the six of us are together but.." He stood up and fell onto his bed belly-flop style. "I just want to have a romantic evening with boyfriend!" Yuuji shot right back up to his feet as he finished speaking. Kenjirou chuckled softly. Yuuji looked up at him with a surprised face, though it quickly turned to sheepishness and he sat back down. Kenjirou hardly ever laughed, after all._

_"Sorry, Kenji-Chan, guess I got a little ahead of myself. Hogwarts dorm rooms aren't exactly very romantic," Yuuji looked upwards thoughtfully with a small frown. "Hmm, maybe with candles... I can borrow the ones Kumi uses for his demonic rituals... Omi has tea... that's not exactly romantic though, is it? Oh! I can sneak into the kitchen and grab some chocolate!" Yuuji snaps his fingers excitedly, earning another snort from Kenjirou._

_"Oh god... you two are even worse than Semi.." He exhaled, shaking his head. Yuuji leaned forward, wiggling his eyebrows._

_"Oooo, is Semi a romantic?" He asked in a very Shigeru-esk gossiping voice. Kenjirou puckered his lips to keep out a small smile, but couldn't stop the small blush._

_"... he writes love songs for me sometimes." Kenjirou whispers. "He plays the guitar." Yuuji looked at him with wide eyes._

_"Aw, that's so cute, Kenji-chan!"_

_"Sh-shut up!" He yelped, feeling flustered._

_"So tsundere, Kenji-Chan. Where are you going to sleep tonight? The other fourth year room probably has some space, they only have Omi, Yutaka, Motoya, and Suna!"_

_"Hmm, no, I'll just sleep with Semi. Hiroo-san and Konoha-san are used to it."_

_"Great!" Yuuji smiled. "Thank you, Kenjirou. It means a lot." Kenjirou rolled his eyes._

_""Yeah, it's fine._

But it turns out Semi was planning on chilling with Yamagata, Reon, and Aran in Hufflepuff. He offered to bring him but Kenjirou declined, not wanting to interrupt the third years. Semi said he could sleep in his bed, so he did. At first he was worried that Hiroo and Konoha would find it weird since Semi wasn't there, but as soon as Semi left Konoha let out a sigh of relief with some "Thank god I'm not third wheeling tonight"s. Apparently he was always a third wheel when he hung out with any of friends, especially Bokuto and Akaashi. 

_"Not for long though!" Konoha exclaimed with a desperate look in his eyes. "I have my eyes set on that Gryffinfor girl, Yukie, I just need to buy her a ton of food." Hiroo rolled his eyes and went back to his book._

Yeah, Kenjirou thinks Konoha probably was a very cool dude before going insane from third wheeling as often as he did. Even if the people he was hanging out with weren’t together they were pinning idiots.

Kenjirou sighed.

”Dude, stop sighing,” a low voice said from above him. Kenjirou jolted upwards from where he was sitting in his bed, accidentally my knocking his head on the top bunk bed.

”K-Konoha-san, you’re awake?” Kenjirou whispered.

”Yeah, I’m learning how to sext people with like, food or something.” Konoha responded with, not seeming to think there was anything weird with sharing that statement. Then again Konoha has probably seen his friends having almost sex in the same room as him, poor guy has lost it.

”Er- that’s nice Konoha-san,” Kenjirou eventually answered, trying and failing to not sound awkward.

”The girl I like is a food person, so I’m trying to prepare for when we start dating.”

”If you start dating,” Kenjirou corrected. “And how do you sexily talk about food?” He immediately regretted asking that. 

  
“Well, you know,” Konoha grunted, leaning over the edge to look at Kenjirou, “I love onigiri and you, but not in that order~. I have here a reservation for two, but the only seat left is my bed. Stuff like that.”   
  


“Okay, well, good for you I guess,” Kenjirou muttered, standing up from his bed. “I’m... gonna go to the common room now.” Konoha rolled his eyes.

”Yeah, sure kid. Don’t get caught by any teachers, Eita will be sad.”

”Yeah, I know.” He probably should have just hung out with Taichi and the other Slytherins. 

______________________  
  


Kenjirou stood in front of the Room of Requirement, as they had learned the room was called from the Marauders Map. He tried to walk as quietly as possible, his footsteps only the softest of patters against the silent night. Three times he went past where the room was, each time thinking about what he wanted. Sure enough, a door appeared from the wall. Kenjirou took a deep breath, exhaled, and walked inside the the room. The door closes with a hitch behind him, but in front was where he put his attention. Before him was the Marauders Map, but that wasn’t where he put his attention. The room had couches with lots of pillows and blankets, books lined the shelves and there were candle lights hanging from above. A soft fire flickered from a heath and there was a cushioned rocking chair over an ornament rug. Kenjirou was pretty sure the room wasn’t next to a wall but there was a small window he could see the moon through. On a coffee table in front of the couch there was a stuffed animal teddy bear and next to it a stuffed eagle. There was also a parchment of paper.  
  


Kenjirou stepped forward to read it.

_Best way to sneak into the kitchen to make some hot chocolate_

Below was a map with some secret routes to the kitchen along with the teachers’ schedules (though he had the Marauders Map anyway), followed by a recipe for hot chocolate.

“Oh...” Kenjirou whispered himself. Did the room know what he really wanted? He walked to the map and tapped it.

”I solemnly swear I am up to no good,” and the map appeared. Kenjirou opened it up and looked at Ravenclaw tower. Sure enough it showed the names “Futakuchi Kenji” and “Terushima Yuuji” side by side on one of the bunks. Kenjirou sighed. He had made fun of them about having sex, but he had seen movie CD’s in Yuuji’s bag. Singing in The Rain, American in Paris, and the Titanic were some of the titles he had seen in the bag. He was a pure blood so he didn’t really watch movies, but they all sounded old and sappy. Knowing Kenji and Yuuji, they were probably cuddling on the bed with Yuuji's big, thick, maroon woolen blanket and a warm drink, maybe tea from Kiyoomi or hot chocolate from the kitchen. They probably put Yuuji’s crappy DVD player on their laps and were sneaking in kisses during the boring parts of the movie. Electronics weren’t supposed to work at Hogwarts but he remembered from the Blue Ocean documentary series he and his dorm-mates watched together that Yuuji’s DVD player was already so shitty that even being near the school couldn’t make it worse.   
  


Kenjirou looked up at the room around him and sighed again. It had known what he really wanted tonight; cuddling with his boyfriend, drinking hot chocolate and giggling as Semi whispered his stupid pick up lines into Kenjirou’s ear, the same way he had over winter break last year when Kenjirou visited his home instead of going back with his parents.The room couldn’t make food or animals so that’s why it had left stuffed animals and instructions for hot chocolate. Shrugging, Kenjirou turned back to he map. He would ask Semi for a date night later.

Kenjirou thought back to their discussion from the night they found the map as he looked over the map.

  
_“Look, I see this as an amazing opportunity just like you guys, but don’t you guys think we should have some limits?” Kenji began, leaning over Kenjirou’s shoulder to look at the map._

_”Eh? You mean limits on what we do with the thing we see on the map? (*´◒`*)” Shigeru inquired._

_”Yeah,” Kenji confirmed. “I think that if we have a suspicion of something then we can check it with the map, but there are somethings that just aren’t meant to be seen, you know?”_

_Kenjirou nodded. “Some secrets getting out could harm someone, like giving someone a panic attack after being exposed,” he whispered knowingly._

_”Yeah, I understand,” Shigeru insisted, “some tea is meant to be spilt, other tea is meant to be slowly sipped to 1940’s WW2 romance music as the fire place glows and warms your toes that just barely poke out of your fluffy blanket.（@＾.＾@）”_

_”Pretty much,” Kenji agreed._

_”Yeah,” Kenjirou nodded._

Kenjirou’s thoughts ended as his eyes reached a certain part of the map, past some suspicious placements of teachers hanging out with each other.

”Wait, what?” He yelped. To his surprise, the green house held two people’s names: Aone Takanobu from Hufflepuff and Ushijima Wakatoshi from Gryffindor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, this is definitely my favorite chapter so far. I really like my writing tone in Shirabu’s point of view? I think Yahaba’s is just too ridiculous for me lmao, while at the same time being very fun.


	4. Movie Date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shirabu crashed Futakuchi and Terushima's movie date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god why am I writing so much this is such a dumb story I should be working on my serious FutaTeru fic.  
> Anyways hopefully this will get all of the FutaTeru fluff out of my system.

_"I want you to draw me like your French girl. Wearing this. Only this,"_ As Rose’s dialogue came out of the DVD player, cracked and warped from the crappy speaker, Yuuji turned himself onto his sides so he was facing Kenji. He licked his lips and slowly dragged his eyes over the brunette. 

“Yeah Kenji, draw me like one of your French women,” Yuuji's words were drawn out, and his voice lower than usual. Kenji snorted with laughter, the DVD player on his lap bouncing up and down as he shook.

”Haha- yeah, okay, but let’s finish this movie first.” He managed to get out his words. Yuuji quickly nudged back under Kenji’s arm and cuddled into his chest. Cute.   
  


“But really man, you do draw, right?” Yuuji piped. Kenji rolled his eyes over his boyfriend’s choice of words.

”Yeah,” he replied, resting his face on Yuuji’s head. “I’ll draw you sometime.” That made Yuuji smile, his brows relaxed from the usual >:D and a blush soft on his cheeks.

”She’s pretty hot,” the blonde commented as Rose dropped her kimono off her body in the movie, her skin a pearly white.

”Imagine dating a girl,” Kenji returned with a hum.

”Kenji, you’re bisexual.”

”Yeah, but imagining myself dating a girl is imagining myself not dating you, love.” He finished softly, ducking in to give Yuuji a chaste kiss on the forehead. Yuuji snickered before letting out a full laugh, throwing his arms around Kenji's neck to bring him in for a proper kiss on the lips.

"Smooth, babe, smooth," Yuuji giggled against Kenji's lips. Kenji snuck in another peck, puckering his lips a little for the effect. He began to pull back but Yuuji pressed his mouth on his again and gently swept his tongue over Kenji's bottom lip, making him open up his mouth more and giving Yuuji an opportunity to slip it in and deepen the kiss. After making out for a couple minutes, Yuuji now sitting on his lap, Kenji's hands gripping his boyfriend's upper thighs, a voice came from the DVD player saying something about "doing it" and "sorry to disappoint you". Kenji chuckled into Yuuji's mouth, wondering what they had missed in the movie, and pulled his head back, ignoring his boyfriend's discontented moan.

"Yui, let's finish the movie first," he recommended. Yuuji's face, which was quite flushed from the kissing, now also was blushing from embarrassment.

"Hehe, yeah, okay," Yuuji agreed, beginning to turn himself around from straddling Kenji to curling up into his chest. Once Kenji was sure the blonde was comfortable, he turned his attention to the movie.

"Hey Yui, is there a way to rewind?" he leaned his face down and whispered directly into Yuuji's ear, making the latter snort into a snicker. Seeing his reaction to that, Kenji decided to take the opening to lean in farther and blow into his ear, making Yuuji burst out in a fit of giggles.

"K- Kenji, stop-" Before he could finish Kenji grabbed his shoulders and flipped himself on top, in the process knocking the DVD player off of his lap and onto (thankfully) a pillow that was on the floor. Crap? He said inwardly, but the audio was still playing so he figured it was fine. "Kenji," Yuuji squeaked, his lips still locked into a smile from all of the laughing. When he spoke his talking pace sped up as Kenji's face was engulfed in a terrifying grin. "Kenji, before you do what I think you are intending to do know that the movie isn't even half way through and-eEaCK" he was attacked by the brunette before he could finish the sentence. "WAit-Eurack!" Kenji went for both sides of his rib cage, tickling his boyfriend without mercy and without holding back. Yuuji buckled into himself, but Kenji was able to keep his rib cage uncovered for the invasion of- the Tickle Monster. A slight pain burned up on his arm as Yuuji attempted at slapping him away, but it was to no prevail- the Tickle Monster was undeterred. "I-breath- too much laughing-" The tickle victim hacked out a few words before his body wracked itself in laughter.

"Sorry love~" Kenji cooed in a Shigeru (Oikawa?) manner, "but the Tickle Monster doesn't stop so easily." Yuuji only whined in response, to busy laughing to make a proper retort.

"In fact," Kenji began, "they say that the more the Tickle Monster loves their victim" (Yuuji's face blushed, although it was hard to see because of how flushed he already was)" the more ticklish the attack is."

The 5'11 Tickle Monster briefly paused in his assault and booped Yuuji on the nose. "And I love you very much, so this is going to be hell, sweets."

After continuing the onslaught for a few minutes, which included tickling Yuuji along his neck, stomach, and anywhere possible, Kenji leaned back to stop and take a look at his boyfriend who was currently struggling to catch his breath.

The blonde had a few tears streaming down his cheeks to his chin, his eyes scrunched up and lidded, showing only a hint of his amber irises. Presently cherry lips widely parted revealing his somehow perky tongue, the silver piercing it carried glimmering like mica in a gravel path. Both the tongue and piercing were coated in saliva, saliva that was slowly dripping onto his lips- lips still swollen from the kissing that took place a few minutes ago. His expression complete with furrowed yet relaxed eyebrows and a flushed complexion, well... Honestly he looked like he was getting fucked-hard, something Kenji hoped he would be able to do once they got a bit older. Who knew tickling someone could make them look so... erotic.

"K..." Yuuji wheezed before he could speak, the aftereffects of being tickled taking a tole on his body. "Kenji, g-grab the DVD player from the floor so I can rewind-" Kenji swooped in and stole his words with a quick smooch, sliding his tongue in to push it against Yuuji's piercing. Instead of pulling off completely, he let his forehead rest on Yuuji's.

"Sorry love, but you looked really hot like that." Yuuji let out a light, breathy laugh, not bothering to move himself away. Kenji hadn't noticed it before due to all of the noises they were making, but it had begun to rain. As the water droplets made a soft patter on the window, they stayed in the position for some amount of time, though now instead of partially sitting up Kenji was lying down over Yuuji. The only "clock" they had was the fact that the movie was still playing, the dialogue and pacing of scenes giving them some idea of how long it had been. But quite honestly, neither of them were really listening, both dozing off to the sound of the other's heart beat. Eventually there was some yelling from the DVD player. "Ooh, I think we're at the iceberg part, love," Kenji murmured in a hushed voice, not wanting to cause Yuuji any alarm. The latter opened his eyes, lashes fluttering against Kenji's and causing almost a tickle. 

"Hmm, go grab it... I'll rewind it." He let out a quiet yawn. "We missed the sexy parts..." A kiss on the cheek and then Kenji got up to grab the DVD player from where it had fallen

Some time later and they're both sobbing hysterically, Yuuji burying his head into Kenji's chest and Kenji struggling to see the screen or read the subtitles (he attended Hogwarts so he knew English but there were some words he didn't know) through his tears. His eyes finally cleared- only for the saddest line to be delivered.

ROSE struggles to move. Her hand, she realizes, is  
actually frozen to Jack's. She breaths on it, melting the  
ice a little, and gently unclasps their hands, breaking away  
a thin tinkling film

"I won't let go. I promise". The voice was of course cracked, but somehow Kenji could hear it with perfect clarity, along with all of the sorrow it wrought. Rose let go of Jack and he sank into the ocean deep.

Kenji let out a wail, not understanding how he was crying so much over a movie- he never cried, not as a loud mess like this. 

"Hold me..." Yuuji whimpered from where he was already adhesivly latched onto Kenji, gripping him in a koala hug around his body. Yuuji was also an absolute mess, his tears making Kenji's chest very damp. It was weird, ask anyone in the school and they'd think Kenji would be the kind of guy who never cried during movie and hated cheesy romance stories- but that wasn't true. Sappy moments made him tear up and Rom-Coms got him to the edge of his seat getting mad at the protagonist when they did something dumb and grinning like an idiot when they made up with the main love interest. Kenji wrapped his arms around Yuuji's body and held him in a tight hug, not hesitating to entangle their legs a bit but also being careful not to send the DVD player on the floor for a second time. Carefully he brought his thumb to Yuuji's face to wipe off his tears- not that it really mattered because they were quickly replaced by more, but the blonde seemed to almost smile at the gesture.

"W-watching this hurts," Kenji mumbled between sniffles. "If there was a wizard on board they would be able to cast a spell and j-just like, fix everything. Or Rose could like... get a plank of wood for Jack or something." He finally squeaked out with several voice cracks. Yuuji opened his mouth as if to say something but then closed it. "What is it, love?" Kenji whispered. Yuuji swallowed.

"Kenji..." he breathed, like the name he was speaking was sacred and the best source of comfort he had. Kenji held him tighter. "The Jack and Rose parts are fiction but... the Titanic and what happened are real." The brunette felt his widen, and he opened his mouth only to close it again.

"N-no..." the words choked out of his throat. Yuuji's body shivered beneath him.

"Y-yeah... the unsinkable Titanic sank in- in 1912," he whimpered, clutching tightly onto the larger's chest. 

"Oh...". They held onto each other a little longer, faces turned to the DVD player so that they could finish the movie. Rose was currently telling Cal to tell her mother that she died along with the Titanic. Kenji liked to watch movies with Yuuji not just because he enjoyed him, but he felt it helped him know more of his boyfriend's home world. Personally he didn't understand why muggles and muggle-borns weren't more appreciated. Wizards tended to stick with things magic produced, and didn't experiment as much with non-magical materials. It was muggles that perfected making graphite pencils, water colors, pastels, and many other art mediums. As Kenji liked to sketch, he had been using muggle materials before he even met a muggle. Not to mention they also invented sour gummies, his favorite snack that Yuuji always bought for him when they hung out at his place. From his point of view it was fucking stupid not to take advantage of what you had access to- and if you have access muggle stuff why wouldn't you use it? So over the summer he would get a part time job with Yuuji and get some non-wizard cash to buy gifts for his friends and materials for art (he preferred buying muggle art supplies because wizard stuff always had extra enchantments to "enhance" it but it just made it more annoying to use). Movies was just another way he learned about the no wizarding world- Yuuji would point out what people were doing and what different objects did, although the Titanic took place a long time ago so a lot of the stuff in it is no longer relevant. 

The movie ended with 101 year old Rose throwing the necklace off into the ocean, and then a dreamy "what if" effect with her and Jack. The credits started.

"That was depressing," Yuuji yawned, tears still staining his face. Kenji leaned over and kissed them off.

"Yeah... Let's go to bed love, you look tired." He sat up and stretched his back before turning off the DVD player and closing it with a snap.

"Well it's like... 12:10 AM or something," Yuuji mumbled, opening his drawer to glance at his watch. Kenji snorted as realized there was a wetness on his chest.

"Yui, my shirts wet from your crying..."

"Oh, sorry about that," Kenji slipped his shirt off of him revealing some ab definition and his strong chest. Yuuji whistled from where he was still underneath him, not hiding that he was checking him out. "Been working out, hmm?" Kenji smirked, he had his own place to workout at home, and he had realized that the Room of Requirement could also be used, so for the first time he had a place to lift weights at Hogwarts.

"Yeah, like what you see?" he harrumphed, reaching down to grab one of his sweaters that Yuuji stole and kept in his dresser.

"Nooo," the sweater thief whined, gently swatting at Kenji. "Don't put anything on..." Kenji chuckled but put the sweater back, gently folding it since he knew Yuuji like it a lot.

"I get really cold when I sleep, and it wakes me up..." he hummed, slipping under the covers and the warmth of the thick, maroon blanket after blowing out the candles Kunimi had lent them. 

"I'll keep you warm, get over here!" Yuuji exclaimed happily, and when Kenji obliged he spooned himself around him. 

"Goodnight love," Kenji whispered.

"Goodnight Kenji," Yuuji whispered back.

It was around twenty minutes later when Kenjirou threw open the door, leaning over as he breathed heavily, Marauders map in hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so the fluff was only supposed to be a little at the beginning but I kind of got carried away.. oops. So I decided to push some stuff back to the next chapter. Also, this along with chapter 3 takes place about a week after they find the map, which is a bit different than what I originally had but I decided to change it. The next chapter will be mostly Yahaba's point of view besides a bit in the beginning. Thank you for reading, I hope you'll continue to enjoy the story!


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